#18: I think i'm gaining weight
hi hi hi sisters ♡
I get a little long-winded in the “adulting” section this week so bare (or is it bear?) with me pls and ty ◡̈
I just did a powerpoint night with friends where we presented on our year of life in 2023 and it was really fun. it was cute to see how our friends made their presentations and what information they decided to collect/share on for the past year. I personally love random stats so I had lots of data to pick from, but some of the topics I shared about were the tears I shed, flights I went on, movies I watched, shows/concerts I went to, and celebrities I saw in real life. I cried a LOT and not that I want to stop that, but I do possibly want to switch my birth control because I have found that I am a sensitive little bitch sometimes that needs to calm down haha.
movies: my roommates and i watched Rye Lane. its a cute little rom-com based in london. it was lovely and soooo colorful and the i loved the camera angles. highly recommend. bjørn and i watched American Fiction, its a movie that is currently out and it touches on how when black stories are shared in media a lot of times they are shared under a certain light or stereo-type when in reality more stories featuring black people need to be shared without those stereo-types. its kinda like how all gay movies are sad, like there should be happy gay movies too. we also watched Clue. I loved that movie when i was younger and it had been a couple of years since i had seen it, so it was a lovely film to watch again. Tim Curry’s acting is truly a work of art. re-watched Are You There God? Its Me Margaret, i LOVE this movie. truly such a beautiful representation of girlhood. I watched Maestro with Alyssa and Maggie and i really loved it. I thought that Bradley Cooper did a phenomenal job and there were some transitions in scenes that were absolutely stunning. for movie church this week we watched 27 Dresses. that movie has some FANTASTIC scenes. its soooo early 2000’s and cheesy, but I love it.
podcasts: the dating stories episode from the girlscamp podcast was this week and I was SCREAMING at some of these stories. truly horrifying.
music: do I even listen to music anymore? like what the heck is going on, I feel like I actually haven’t listened to music in a couple of weeks. I listen to podcasts on my commute or read… if someone is loving a new album or something please send it my way, I think I need to shake things up.
in my mind: I was reading the book called bunny but I had to give up on it. I got 63% of the way through and let me tell you, I only found about 5-10% of that worth my time and entertainment. I found the story to be sooooo boring and slow and the writing was not engaging at all. sure I would like to know what happens, but i will google it.
in my stomach: I made a hash at the beginning of the week to eat for breakfast throughout the week and it was so tasty. I chopped up a sweet potato and chopped up an equal amount of regular potato, fried the two up in a pan with olive oil and some seasonings and placed that aside. I then sliced some onions and fried those up with peppers and soy-rizo (they were out of regular chorizo from trader joe’s). I added the potatoes back in and that was the hash. then during the week I would scramble up some eggs and add some of the hash to the pan to heat it up and eat that with an avocado on top. truly delicious.
I’m pretty sure i’ve been gaining weight
I mean I know that since I have moved to new york I have gained weight, but i’ve been here over three years, so that is pretty expected, to gain weight (or have your weight fluctuate in some way over three years), but I mean I think I’ve been gaining weight recently. and I can only say “I think” or “i’m pretty sure” because I don’t own a scale. I only weigh myself when I go to the doctor, which is quite frequently honestly, but i’ve been pretty bad at tracking it when i’ve gone to the doctor. but I think i’m gaining weight because a couple of pairs of pants of mine have gotten to the point of being unwearable from the tightness. now I know I shouldnt be used to pants being tight, but being a person who is considered “overweight” to the standard of today- when in reality i’m the size of the average american woman but you don’t see a ‘M’ on any of my clothes now do you… I’ve become accustomed to some pairs of pants of mine being a little hard to get into, but I can zip them up and stuff and move along my day with some minimal discomfort. however in the past week i’ve recognized that some of my pants go way beyond that. this really isn’t earth shattering stuff here people, but I think we can all agree that when our clothes don’t fit the way we want them to it is very discouraging. I know i am supposed to buy clothes that fit my body rather than make my body fit my clothes, its SO annoying when I have to change sizes because otherwise my pants are fine. they are relatively new and I don’t want to get a new pair !!!
I know I am supposed to love my body, and its been a longggggg journey to get to the point of where I am today with loving my body, and its not near perfect at all. its been a lot of work that REALLY started when I stopped wearing my religious garments in May/June/July 2022. I was getting to a point in my life where I recognized that I did not love my body at all, but “supposedly” God wanted me to love the body I was given, but I was also told to cover it up every. second. of. every. day. of. my. life. how the hell was I supposed to love this body of mine if I never saw the thing. I never saw myself naked, I was ashamed of my arm fat and my legs and my belly and so on, name a body part and I could pick out a flaw, except my eyes, I loveee my eyes. and the clothes I was wearing covered up all the parts I didnt like, but maybe also the parts I could love… so I stopped wearing my garments, started looking at my body more often, and along with that i started wearing clothes that made me feel confident. articles that flattered my boobs or made my legs look nice and long and strong or something where you saw a little bit of my midriff, and I slowly but surely started to love my body more and more.
and while I recognize that its okay to gain weight and have pants in a range of sizes, I also know and very much recognize that my health is important and its extremely difficult balancing loving your body and knowing that being at a certain weight can cause long lasting diseases. having a smaller body size can be better on my joints, make me stronger, etc. im at a crossroads where I need to balance eating ice cream and vegetables and exercising all while in school and being forced to sit for hours a day in class on a student budget of loans.
when I was home over the holidays I was forced to notice a lot of bad eating behaviors from family members. one of my grandmas and her daughter (my aunt) very much have the mindset that they have to “earn their food.” they are almond moms in a very unhealthy and damaging way. its easy to feel veryyyyy self-conscious around my family in my own skin because I have been and still am larger than them.
I also don’t need friends or strangers to read this and reply and let me know that I have a lovely body. like I know that, i’ve gotten to a place where I can recognize most days that I have a lovely body. and bjørn tells me ALL. THE. TIME. how beautiful he thinks i am, even when I look like a swamp rat princess, and its sooo annoying when that happens like “sir please stop talking.” but it is very sweet and I love him so much for that.
I could write SO much more about my thoughts and feelings on being a larger person in society, but I will save that for another time. for now, I recognize that I am gaining weight and right now, there is probably something I can do about it. I think my new years goal of eating more fruits and vegetables will help. I also am doing pilates twice a month in a studio, but I think I need to start moving my body more than I currently do and go from there.
its a long journey of self love, and I feel like I am always at the beginning of it, but that’s okay. its a journey that I will keep being on.
pinterest: cute and different hairstyle; ballerina hearts ♡
instagram: lana x skims collab is sooo dreamy (x2); this video is soooo cute; this photo means so much to me
I hope you all have a great week, its been snowy and cold in new york, but i’m really loving it honestly. except when the wind hits, that is bone chilling. this week will be warming up and rainy so the snow will be gone soon, but hopefully it snows again. it feels like a giant snow globe in the city
xoxo,
your big sis, kaitlynn
