#53: a topic that is near and dear to my heart
AND HAPPY HEARTSTOPPER WEEK
hi hi hi sisters ♡ this week, while deep, i’m going to keep it a little bit short! (well no promises to be completely honest)
BUT ALSO HAPPY HEARTSTOPPER SEASON 3 RELEASE WEEK TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE (and you ALL should)
for the next little bit I want to keep the recommendations section to recommendations for different substacks that I read. I find it to be really important to support small “businesses” (that sounds odd to use here, but maybe influencers is another word I can use?) and one way I can do that is by sharing about them!
this week I want to share my friend
’s substack . Hannah was the creator behind Human of BYU. she is passionate about sharing stories and experiences and getting to know each person she encounters on an authentic genuine level. she writes about God, people, and her very personal and vulnerable life experiences. I LOVE how real and raw her writing is.
movies: I watched a little short halloween-esque movie called growing fangs, it was cute! went and saw the new movie saturday night (we watched it saturday afternoon though…), its about the 90 minutes leading up to the first SNL. I really really liked it. SNL is so special to so many people, and truly has changed the lives of so many and it was really cute to watch the movie and feel a huge appreciation for new york city. and lastly, bjørn and I watched get out, I really liked it. I was expecting it to be a lot scarier, especially since I couldn’t finish us, but I thought it was so incredibly unique and deep. i’m glad I finally got to watching it!!
music: going to be listening to the bleachers and vampire weekend on repeat this week in preparation for my concerts this week! (its so fun buying concert tickets so far in advance as when it comes to going to the concert it feels like a free activity)
in my mind: here is a list (take it with a grain of salt) of the top 100 kids movies (also I would argue that some of these arent kids movies but just young adult movies), I have not seen 28 of them- most of them are the muppets movies haha
in my stomach: go to go to din tai fung in their new york location and its so yummy, truly one of my all time favorite restaurants
as I mentioned last week, this month (september) is suicide prevention/awareness month. something I am very familiar with are the thoughts of suicidal ideations and feelings.
I really love matt haig and his books because he was able to write about depression and suicide in a way that feels so close to how I have experienced these feelings as well. I wish I had his books in high school but they werent written yet. but i’m so glad that I have them now. his book reasons to stay alive is a book that I think everyone should read. not because everyone is going to struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts, but because everyone will encounter someone who has or will in the future.
four years ago I wrote a piece for the faith collective about my thoughts of suicide, you can read it here. but I will also pull out a couple of different quotes from it that still ring true to me today.
My first suicidal thought, that I remember, was when I was 14 years old. I remember writing in my journal, I want to die, over and over again. These thoughts lasted most of my freshman and sophomore years of high school.
I remember one time coming downstairs from a breakdown in my room, after a fight with my parents, yelling at my mom and step-dad, “I could have taken all of my pills and killed myself you know?”, and my mom said, “I’m glad you didn’t.” That was the only time I expressed suicidal thoughts to my family.
Looking back on my life, I can think of specific events that contributed to these thoughts and feelings. My parents divorced in the second grade and packing up bags every weekend to visit our dad took a toll on me. I didn’t have many friends in high school. I butted heads with my parents. Verbal abuse occurred in my home and I felt worthless.
I knew deep down that I didn’t want to end my life, but I KNEW I did not want to live in these dark moments. I desired a cease in existence. One that would be painless and hurt no one along the way.
For almost 9 years, I didn’t have a suicidal thought. I never really thought about those thoughts I had during high school. I had brought it up to close friends in passing, when it felt appropriate, but it wasn’t anything I dwelled on. It was in the past and I wanted it to stay there. I had really tough days and depression and anxiety were still very close to me. Dark days overshadowed light days, but in the end I wanted to live. I was enjoying life and getting through the tough times. It took medication and counseling and effort in many forms, but I was enduring, and I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with those dark thoughts again. Until December 2019.
I didn’t just wake up one morning and think, I want to die. It was more gradual than that. I don't know if it was taking 18 credits, the thought of moving to another state and leaving friends after graduation, my parent's relationship issues, or all of that combined, but something in me snapped. I felt completely broken. There were days when I laid in bed with no desire to do anything. I went through the motions of life, putting on a facade for those around me.
As time went on I felt better, the thoughts passed and I was again at ease. It's been a couple of months since then and to be honest it is hard to remember how I felt. It’s weird how one moment I can feel such strong intense emotions and then just a couple of weeks, or even days, later, I feel fine. This is a mystery I will never understand.
Happiness is something that I am constantly searching for. Talking to friends and sharing vulnerable experiences of trials and heartaches, triumphs and hope, has given me peace of mind in knowing that while hardships are ahead, so are pockets of peace and joy. I have to ride the waves of each life experience, from the high mountains to the low valleys. For each one truly cannot exist without the other.
Someone once shared this really beautiful imagery of how the hard times and sad times in our lives allow our hearts to open up a little bit more, like clay on a wheel, and when the good happy times are here we have a greater capacity to feel them because our hearts have been expanded.
Because of the hard times, I have greater capacity to feel the good.
While I am in a good place and it’s scary to think of the trials I have to go through, I know in the end it will allow me to feel greater joy. And so far I have had a 100% success rate of getting through the bad days. So that's a pretty good track record.
I know that my struggle with depression and anxiety will never go away. I also know that I will probably have suicidal thoughts again. I don’t know when that will happen, it could be 18 weeks or 18 months or 18 years from now. And when they do, I will remember that promise, and my love for my sister.
lol at me for saying i’m going to keep this short as I actually post a huge long ass thing about it…
okay i’ll end this here, but just know, if you have depression or ever have such deep dark thoughts, please know you are not alone. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. there are so many resources that can be used to help those struggling.
tiktok: one day I want to get into sewing, and I’m already saving so many different things i would want to sew, and this laptop case is ADORABLE; kelley, jonah, and I core; book binding is so special
pinterest: this was so cute; a more accurate emotion chart; ooh, me
instagram: I cannot WAIT to see this; everyone could make me cryyyyy; I am HEARTBROKEN that they are no longer in little shop of horrors together
I’m rewatching seasons 1 and 2 of heartstopper and my heart literally BURSTS when watching this show. its truly one of the most beautiful pieces of media created. its wholesome and heartfelt and touches on such important issues that teenagers go through. my heart skips a beat and I have butterflies watching it. GO WATCH IT!! and have a great week ♡
din tai fung in NYC??? BEST NEWS EVER!!
ALSO THANKS FOR THIS NEWSLETTER IN GENERAL I LOVE IT!!!!!!